Believe in Yourself. A Big Thank you to 2010.

Forgive me as my yearly reflection is a month late. I suppose you could say I was procrastinating. In that case I've procrastinated for a year and some change. I haven't felt my true self this past year. I stopped writing. I haven't written a full, quality poem in over a year. I've been disappointed by where I am at this point in my life and where my life was....or was not going. 


I'm usually very closed about my personal mishaps. This blog is a bit personal and very out my character. I don't feel entirely comfortable expressing my experiences this past year, but my experiences reinforce the primary message of this post.

I stumbled many times this past year, eventually falling pretty hard. Unfortunately, I was unable to amass the strength to pick myself up from my dismal abyss. Here I was, a college graduate, feeling more than inadequate. Upon graduating from college, my ordeal searching and obtaining employment proved rather difficult. I could argue I graduated during a time when the job climate wasn't suitable for new graduates during 2008/2009 and despite all my strenuous efforts, I failed to find a reputable position as all my peers had. But I can not make excuses for my shortcomings. If my friends were able secure employment, then clearly I wasn't doing something properly.

 After landing a position at MTV, five months after graduation, I continued to feel incompetent. I didn't feel as if my salary reflected the status of my college degree. We attend college to learn, yes, but the ultimate goal after blowing sixty grand per year on a college education is to guarantee a well-paying job after. Am I not correct?

On top of my employment dilemmas, I felt a bit lovesick. Early 2009, I fell "in love," had my heart broken, then fell quickly out of love.... only to almost immediately fall hard for another person. Sadly, I realized how I felt a for the second female a bit too late. The love department then seemed to become taboo, only because it took me a almost a year to get over... a stranger. 

Secretly, I was disappointed in myself for not going straight to grad school. I became even more disappointed when I was not accepted in my first graduate program of choice in early 201-

A few months after I became comfortable with my job, two friends and I impetuously began a quirky show, which quickly became a bit popular within the LGBTQ community and on twitter. Since I felt as if I was running into brick walls at work, the show provided a new motivation. My friends and the show made me a bit happier.

But then it rained, poured, and thundered. Then lightening struck at the few branches I managed to develop. 

First, my friend, who I considered a close friend, suddenly stopped appearing to live broadcasts for our show. After growing tired of initiating contact her, I decided to just leave it alone. If the show was something she really wanted to do, as she previously claimed, she would have been there on time, every time. 

Shortly thereafter, I was laid off from work. I couldn't explain how upset I was. I had to start the job search process from scratch, and wasn't sure how successful I'd be or how long I'd be unemployed.  More was on the line this time. I lived on my own now, and took care of my grandmother. I had significant rent and bills to pay. They say when we grow older, we revert to childlike tendencies and ways of thinking. I can now say from experience, taking care of my grandmother is almost like raising a child. It becomes very frustrating at times. 

On top of bill and rent, I also had to pay thousands of dollars to a lawyer for medical malpractice. I discovered my dentist purposely misconstrued some of my mouth procedures in order for me to return with 'new' problems and more money from my insurance. Also, since I was unemployed, I no longer had any insurance and had to pay for thousands of dollars worth dental repairs by a new dentist. 

Between November and December, I witnessed my money rapidly dwindle. Thousands of dollars became only a few hundred. I was unemployed. I wasn't sure where my next paycheck would come from or when. I thought I'd get evicted because I only had a least a month's rent left, and definitely not enough for my additional bills. Although I lost focus on the love department for some time, I felt lonely for once. The holidays always reminded me of an ex who cheated and left me a week or so before Christmas. My show now longer provided me with the motivation I needed to look past all the negatives. 

I prayed to God on a daily basis, as I've done since childhood. Yet, it appeared God was punishing me. My life not only fell apart, it was pretty much defunct. 

I no longer felt I had a need to exist on the earth.

Then.... abruptly, my life slowly fell back into place. I discovered the last two weeks of December JP Morgan hired me, over 5 candidates and 4 interviews, and asked me to start the first Monday of the New Year. I was beyond elated.

I needed to celebrate.

I partied with my brother for his birthday on the 30th. I managed to secure a beautiful date for New Years, 24 hours before the actual day :). And lastly, I was accepted into a graduate program. While I hope to transfer into my program of choice this coming fall, I am quite ecstatic about taking my grad classes, (my first one was today!) And the show? It may not be where I want it to be, but I am still persevering.  I've recruited four new bloggers for the show's blog and I am more than confident their contributions will be very rich and compelling for our readers.

So, why the need for this sappy and loquacious storyline?
I don't want you feel sorry for me. 
That's unnerving. 

I want to brace you for 2010's reflection of course. 

The most significant concept I learned this year (drum roll please): Believe in yourself. When others doubt you, or when others let you down, keep persevering. When you let yourself down, continue to persevere. Giving up IS ultimately permanent failure. Our obstacles and our failures are the building blocks of a successful future. We must utilize our shortcomings as our motivation. When you believe in yourself, others perceive your self-confidence, and then they too believe in you. 

The same concept is applied to God. God only helps those who helps themselves. He observes us as we endure through our hardships,  and He  will eventually pulls us out of our deepest setbacks. He may answer immediately when you call upon Him, but he always comes RIGHT time. 

He did. He emerged at the right time to pull me out of my despondency and reverse my misfortunes. 

And I couldn't be more Thankful.

So here is a Cheers to 2011! Only one month in, and it's commenced with a BANG! 

KaPow!

Best Wishes for all of you this yr =],

May God also assist you along your endeavors,

Free

Ostensible 10/10/2010

There she was across the corridor.

Despite the heavy crowd in the room,

I immediately distinguished her silhouette.

The beating of my heart ceased

Leisurely, she made her way toward me.

I didn’t move.

I didn’t blink.

Just observed.

There she was

Tall,

Brown,

Beautiful.

A smile so captivating.

Her presence alluring.

Her charm enthralling

each person she glided past.

Before me she stopped

Smiling from ear to ear

While conversing with a friend.

Nonetheless, it seemed only she & I stood

 in our animated setting.

She consumed all my attention

Failing to respond

as I was being spoken to by a friend.

Because I was lost in my introspection

Over her.

Contemplated quickly glimpsing away

Before she became cognizant of my fixation.

But my heart prevented me from shifting a muscle

My arms remained folded,

My feet never took a step.

And my eyes remained firmly set on her.

She glanced at me.

For a few seconds,

Time stood still,

And I thought nothing at all.

She looked back to regard her friend

Then gracefully attended her eyes towards me

only to realize

mine never lingered from her.

She became entirely attentive to my existence.

My breathing stopped....

The way it stopped the day I first set eyes on her,

My heart skipped...

The way it skipped two beats when she smiled at me,

My heart breathed life...

The way it breathed life again when she touched me.

But my disingenuous heart,

Sought refuge from my pain

By exploiting my thoughts

It found pleasure deluding my mind

Into believing ostensible illusions.

For this woman was

A Stranger.

Simply

A tangible resemblance of the female

I never stopped loving.

Then she vanished before me

She drifted to the opposing side of the lobby,

Her hand now cradled in the palm of her boyfriend.

And disappeared into the New York night life.

Suddenly, I remembered to breathe again.

Would You Jump?

It's an ordinary day. You arrive at your dorm from class . Your thoughts linger to the events that may occur later that evening. A traditional "date", at least by college standards. You remember to ask your roommate to "vacate" the room for a few hours. This request is a clear indication for you need of privacy. You roommate concedes without argument. 

The following day, you become cognizant of a video streamed live for the viewing pleasures of other students on campus. Subsequently, you realize the video is of you having sex with your date. Your entire sex life is exposed. Your privacy is completely violated. You are hurt and humiliated. More importantly, you feel naked, literally and metaphorically, to many faceless students and maybe even some close buddies. What do you do? What can you do? You don't want to face this public scrutiny. It's too much, far beyond your grasp of control. So you drive to nearest bridge. 

You Jump.

Tyler Clementi jumped. He was a Young 18yr old, talented violinist, and student at Rutgers University. He also happened to be gay. 

What would you have done if you were in his shoes? What could you do if your sex life and orientation were exposed without your knowledge? Your options seem meager, if any at all. 

Would you jump?

I wonder, would his roommate violate his privacy if Clementi wasn't gay? Although it has been reported there is no evidence Dharan Ravi, Clementi's roommate had suspicion of Clementi's sexuality, he did secretly set up a video camera in his room before he left and accessed it while in the room of Molly Wei. Ravi then tweeted, Clementi's intimate moments, "Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay." Ravi could have been reasonable (and should have) disconnected from the camera, then engaged in some other unruly activity. Instead, he continued to watch and eventually streamed the live feed to friends over iChat. 

Would Ravi broadcast if Clementi's date was a female? What if they were both female. Would Ravi broadcast the feed if Clementi's partner was a male or females? Considering the prior circumstances, I believe no.  It seems Ravi was entirely motivated by his inquiries of Clementi's orientation. You would believe a college student is a young, logical individual who surpassed the bullying age predominant in elementary and high school. Unfortunately, Ravi succumbed to one of the most lethal weapons of modern society: cyber bullying.

Again I ask, would you jump?

Many other young men did. Justing Aaberg came out at 13. At 15, he hung himself.  Billy Lucas, another 15 yr old, also hung himself. Although he never expressed that he was gay, He was relentlessly reproved by peers for being different. Asher Brown, only 13, shot himself the same day he came out to his parents. His parents were supportive, but he was constantly reviled by schoolmates. Self Walsh, 13, died in the hospital 9 days after he hung himself. Very recently, college student Raymond Chase, 19, hung himself in his dorm room.

Would you jump?

Two days ago, two men assaulted a gay man while screaming "Faggot" and other gay slurs. This occurred at the iconic Stonewall Inn known for the "Stonewall Riots" that initiated our Gay Rights Movement. 

These incidents are clear signs that homophobia is on the rise. Or perhaps it never disappeared at all. Perhaps, after several laws were instituted, prejudice individuals decided to keep to themselves, but continued to pass their prejudices conventions to their children and grandchildren. Homophobia persisted and homophobic incidents gained way as these newer generations have no fears of the repercussions after an attack. For a homosexual, the chances of becoming a hate crime victim today seems virtually the same as  in 1969, the same year the Stonewall riots occurred. 

Would you leap?

Would I leap? I'm gay. I wear men's pants, ties, and blazers that enhance my broad shoulders. I'm stared at constantly. Many times these looks are in disgust. I've been told I'm "too pretty" to be gay. I was verbally harassed in elementary school, and occasionally I endured a few scuffles. I cried those years. I was hurt. I hated myself and prayed God would make me straight some days. At one point, I contemplated taking my own life on a regular basis. Who wanted to be tortured? I didn't.

Would I leap? 
No. 

If I lept, I'd let others win. I'd allow others to determine that I don't deserve to be here, because I am gay. Had I been in Clementi's shoes, I wouldn't leap. I hold my privacy to the highest regard. Due  to my strong ego, I'd feel very humiliated. But simultaneously, because of my ego, I'd want to prove to the same people who taunted me that I am a better person.

Would I leap? No.

But I can't say I wouldn't think about it.

Cocky or Insecure?

Confident? That I certainly am.

Cocky…. Never.

Confidence is appealing.

Cockiness is rather unattractive…at least to me.

There is a significant difference between to the two characteristics. Confident individuals hold their head high. They are their own motivation. Often, confident individuals are very secure with themselves, their appearance, their mannerisms, their lifestyle, and they rarely brag. Nevertheless, they still have insecurities. What human doesn't? Cocky individuals on the other hand don’t share these same positive qualities. A cocky person is often boastful. They are frequently in the limelight. They are that person everyone else would like emulate because they brandish such great stature. They strive to be the center of everyone’s attention. This attribute is perhaps their greatest weakness. It is their insecurities that drives them toward desires for attention. Cocky individuals are not confident enough in themselves, therefore they seek attention from others to reassure them and constantly extinguish their vulnerabilities. They need someone else to say they look good, or they are intelligent, or they are talented in order to feel the same. A confident person will admit to their failures and weaknesses but embrace them as obstacles they can slowly overcome and also utilize them as tools to make them better people. Cocky people will never admit to any flaw. They want to appear perfect in every aspect. As a result they bring themselves down by obsessing over these flaws instead of conquering them.

I greatly detest cocky people i.e. Kanye West and others. Kanye West is beyond talented. Does he know it? Sure maybe he does. But I don't believe he feels it. Maybe if he did, he wouldn't need to run on stage at every award show to berate the judges and lament over how he felt he should have won. You don't need an award to know you are a winner. If you are talented, you will know it, and so will others.

Although I do not favor cockiness, I understand in many, if not all, cases, cockiness may be a result of someone's childhood. Maybe Kanye was not given enough attention. Maybe he was reproved by classmates in school. Maybe he was constantly told he wasn't talented or that he would never make it in life. I'm not sure. Confidence begins in childhood. If you are surrounded by an empowering family (blood or not) that motivates you on all your conquests, then maybe you will grow to be more sure of yourself. If this essential support is deficient, then surely a child's confidence is deficient as well. Of course no child should be raised without motivational support, but no child's upbringing can be controlled.

This is just food for thought.

-Free

One Year of Singledom =]

As of today, I am officially single for one year. While this is no big deal to me as I've been single for much longer periods in the past, I'll probably will go treat myself to a little shopping. But before I do, I'd like to say a little something about trust.

Trust. It is not easily obtained but is almost effortlessly dissolved. While this event is rather unfortunate, it is sometimes inevitable. That is perhaps unless we follow a specific set of fundamentals. From personal experience, I've established a very rigid set of of conventions pertaining to trust. Trust no one except God and yourself.

Why not trust anyone? We are selfish by human nature. Even the most selfless individual can harm another unintentionally when in pursuit of a personal desire. Blood is thicker than water, but family members can also harm each other. Trust no one. I'm not indicating one should never ever trust another person at all. Frankly, I believe no other person can be trusted entirely.

Always trust in God. Place 100% faith in God. God has a plan for us all, a plan that is good by nature. Even when evil events occur, like say 9/11, God can only take from this evil to make better.

Lastly always trust in yourself. If you don't, you will not go anywhere in life. 

-Free

I can't believe this man was our President for 8 yrs!

Watch this video and you will understand my frustration:

I love how George W. Bush attempts to be clever.

Idiot.

Love Conquers All....

I have recently deviated from the primary purpose of my blog; to express my views on love and human emotion, to relay some of my experiences that have shaped me into the young, jaded individual I've become, & to share how I applied what I've learned to the development my personal philosophy of life. There are many reasons why I haven't posted about myself in a while. 2009 really caught me off guard, however, it left major room for growth. I thought because I was officially legal (aka 21) I could travel across the states doing whatever (or whoever<---damn mess but partially true lol) But what I never expected was that I'd fall, not once, but twice, especially in such a short time period. Furthermore I've never expected to fall for the second individual at all. And today this is why I write this blog. [This is actually taking a huge bite out of my ego. I mean HUGE]

Love Conquers All

You meet someone. You think they're cool. You build a friendship. Subsequently, trust develops. Then occasionally, somewhere down the line, love emerges. Sometimes this love is purely the love shared between two best friends who would die for one another as if they were blood. Other times this love is deeper. Love that is indescribable. The type of love that makes you feel as if your floating on cloud nine. The love that is both your biggest strength and biggest weakness. Love that is sought by each and every individual on the face of this earth. I had that love, and it dissipated almost as quickly as it flourished. But that story has already been explained (check tag, "Personal Philosophy").

During the course of falling out of love last summer, I began falling for another. It was almost as if she pulled me out of the misery preoccupying my thoughts. She helped me believe love was real when I believed it was chemical process that makes one delusional. She helped me see not every female I'd ever come across was selfish. She helped me realize there were genuine, caring people in the world. Slowly but surely, I fell for her. Perhaps I was extremely vulnerable because of my emotional state during the time. The only dilemma is, I didn't feel or see it coming. I knew...after it all fell apart.

When it fell, it plummeted.

Today is the first time I'm actually writing anything about this situation. I've attempted to brush aside many times now. She and I indirectly "talked" for almost 2 months, so I assumed I'd be completely over it after a week or two.  Never in a million years could I have imagined I'd be greatly hurt by a stranger. I keep asking myself how is it possible someone I was never with affects me more than the first person I ever fell in love with. I harbored feelings for her, yet because I was still somewhat caught up in my ex, I wasn't aware of these feelings. When things fell apart because she messed up then started behaving as a complete jerk towards me. I became cognizant of how I really felt toward her. When she suddenly cut me off, and the pain actualized, reality set in.

I forgave her a long time ago for the events that occurred. I just don't understand why I continue to ponder over her, even just a little bit. After several months I've determined these feelings must have been very strong. She is the first person I felt I had a true connection. My friends say I'm very picky about my women, and I usually chase after the same "type" of women. This female was not my type. I fell for her personality first and then, as a result, I began to find her attractive.

I still get upset over the situation. Before she helped me understand there are good people in this world. Now, she reinforces my beliefs that women are selfish. I've subconsciously built a sturdier wall around my heart than ever before. I'm convinced I'll never have the capacity to love again. And after having my heart broken twice in one year, I'm also convinced no one will ever genuinely love me. Insecurities, insecurities, insecurities. My ego is somewhat tarnished and I feel vulnerable publishing this, but I just need to write.  I have more I could say, but I'm a bit frustrated at the moment. But through it all there is still one thing I still want. I'll keep that to myself fow no.

Love Conquers All.... especially when we least expect it.

-Free